A Future Note to my Oldest Daughter

Dear Morgan,

Growing up I thought that my muscular shoulders, neck and arms were sculpted by the many hours I spent competitive swimming.  Once high school was over and these muscles only diminished slightly I assumed it was something like 'muscle memory'.  I spent much of my late twenties trying to tone down my body, trying to make my arms leaner or my butt smaller.  Don't get me wrong, in general I have been content with the way I looked but I think that was mostly apathy toward my appearance, not confidence.  However, some revelations in my thirties have changed my body confidence for the better and you are the reason.

I want to save you these wasted hours and tell you now that you and I were apparently born with the same genetics. You are only six and you have the same muscles that I have and you have never swam a full lap, nor spent your teenage years in weight rooms.  Apparently, I was a good swimmer because of my body type, not the other way around.  Take advantage of this fact because it will make you a better athlete than most if you put the effort in.  Don't be discouraged that you may never be a 'slim' body type such as you see in magazines.  Or wonder why when you diet it never seems to change.  Embrace your athletic, strong, healthy body and don't give it a second thought.

And when someone asks you how you got those six pack abs, smile and enjoy it.  After children, they may not be there anymore ;-)

Love,
Mom

You know it is Triathlon season when...

These apply to me at least.....whether or not these are normal is anybody's guess....

• You are on a morning run and wonder where the water station is
• Your bathing suit smells like skanky lake water no matter how many times you wash it
  
• You are driving somewhere on a wide, smooth road and all you can think of is 'this would be a great road to ride my bike on'
• When you get in an actual pool to swim laps you are surprised you can see the bottom
• You have worn some kind of workout clothes for at least 7 days straight
• A peanut butter and jelly sandwich has become a daily meal/snack
  
• You drink a gallon of water a day without even noticing
• You have to switch to a clinical deodorant because the normal one just can't keep up and you are tired of stinking at the end of the day
  
• You have had at least one 'half ass' shower. This normally involves wipes, body mist, deodorant and some cold water because you don't have time for a real shower. Yeah, yeah, don't act all grossed out you know you've done it too.

This is for Hershey and Mars of the USA

Chocolate makers of America, if you are listening.....could you make yours taste better? I am at the mercy of the kindness of my half brother to bring me a giant bar of Cadbury milk chocolate from England once a year. The rest of the year I am stuck eating the 'just ok' American kind. Sure, I love this country and you do so many other things well so why the hell can't you make chocolate as good as the Brits? And why are there no Mars bars around here either (not the ones with almonds in it)? Oh, and while you are at it, can you pass a note to the beer makers and tell them the same thing!

I get it...you're smarter than me.....

So with all the hoopla surrounding the death of Osama Bin Laden I have come to one conclusion, some people are really annoying when they think they are right.
When I first heard about his death I did wonder about the timing of it. I have always assumed that our government knew where he was but chose to leave him alive so that he would not be deemed a martyr.
However, I have since learned that there are a number of people that are not convinced that OBL was even responsible for 9/11 or that he even exists. I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion but a conspiracy theorists standard response to being challenged is that I am a 'sheep' following the governments garbage that they feed me. I do question things before I form an opinion. Just because I choose the more popular option does that make me less intelligent? I prefer to think of myself as more scientific in my approach. In Osama Bin Ladens case, what is more likely?

1. That there really is (was) a man that was so filled with hatred and decided to use his religion/money/influence as a springboard to commit acts of terror against a country that he views as the epitomy of greed?
2. That the US government created such an individual to pin the blame on for 9/11 and somebody else is actually responsible for flying two 747's into the twin towers?

I am gonna go with number one but that is not because I am uneducated. I have read the alternative theories out there and am not impressed with the 'proof' or ideas that have been put forth.

Tri Shorts Reviews for Newbies

After completing two sprint triathlons last year I finally decided to buy some triathlon shorts for the upcoming season. I know you are thinking, what? You don't wear $2 bike shorts from Wal Mart to swim, bike and run in? Apparently not. From what I can tell at the races, triathlon apparel falls into three categories:

• The seasoned triathletes wear a one piece contraption that resembles a wrestling unitard. This is significantly better than the previous man-bikini (see left) that ruled in the 80's.

• The weekend warriors wear tri shorts and a tank

• The rest of us wear whatever we already own in our closet. This usually consists of a speedo one piece with a sports bra underneath and various ratty running clothes.

Triathlon shorts look a lot like cycling shorts, have a padded butt, and dry very quickly. They are also expensive at an average $50 per pair. It is rare to find a store that carry's a wide selection of these shorts so ordering them online is the way to go. Unfortunately, there are so many brands, lengths, and styles that it is difficult to guess what is going to fit your shape the best. I ended up having to order three different pairs before I found a pair that I liked and was comfortable. I thought I would write about my experience as I found it very difficult to find any good reviews when looking for tri shorts. I cannot comment to wear and tear as I have not used the shorts yet, just the fit and feel.

Just for comparison I am 5 foot 4 inches, size 6-8, 138 pounds and my measurements are around 35-29-40.

Note: Tri shorts don't actually look good on anyone that is over 110 pounds so forget about finding a pair that looks good. Comfort should be a top priority.

1st pair:

DeSoto Women's Carrera Tri Short Low Rise (~$50)

These were a really nice material, not too tight and the leg bands were not cutting off the blood flow. Their were two problems for me: one, the leg inseam was only 6 inches and the leg bands hit me mid thigh which created a very bad 'sausage effect' so I would prefer a longer length. The low rise option is usually nice in pants but in these shorts I couldn't bend down without my butt crack showing. I do have a longer torso so maybe that was the issue. Or maybe my ass is just too big.
Bottom line: These are great shorts at a great price if you have a shorter torso, and prefer the shorter inseam.

2nd Pair:

Pearl Izumi Women's Select Tri Short (~$55)

I ordered these shorts because I know the brand is good and they came in an 8 inch inseam. I honestly don't have much good to say about these except that maybe I ordered them in wrong size. I normally order medium and the Pearl Izumi size chart did list my measurements as a medium. When I put them on they were very constricting all over. They were tight in the crotch area and the leg bands were so tight above my knees that I looked like I was walking around on two Italian links (there's an image!). There was also a very bright beige sheen to these so it looked like you could see my skin underneath. They weren't actually see through but it was disconcerting. I did not re-order in a bigger size as I could not see a bigger size really being that much better. If you do order these, order a size up!

3rd Pair:

TYR Women's 8" Splice Short (~$40-$50)

I ordered these shorts in a large because I had seen a review where it said they ran small. I love these shorts. They are not too constricting, they have a drawstring in the waist so you can cinch them tighter during swims. The length hits me just above the knee and the leg bands are not too constricting but are snug. There are two little pockets on each hip (not zippered) in which I can put Gu or jelly beans (preferably after the swim portion :-). Hopefully, these hold up well in a race because I am not returning them!

Also, just to give credit to www.tri-zone.com because I ordered the TYR shorts from them and they discounted them $10 for me after I sent them the same pair priced lower on Amazon. I am always amazed and grateful when a retailer actually stands behind their policies. I will definitely be using them in the future.

Definition of a 'Homer'

Re Sports: A fan who believes that the other team is full of cheaters, the refs are paid off, and their team 'just needs the right motivation' to win a championship. Possibly despite all indications to the contrary. In other words.....deluded.

I did the best I could.....

The title of my post is a quote that has been running through my mind lately. It originally came up when I was slightly disappointed with my first triathlon times. I can appreciate the spirit of the words when they are applied to sports or physical conquests. I am very skeptical of them when they are spoken about the actions that people take in their own lives.

Everyone has heard this line on TV or in the movies. It usually comes into the plot when grown children are accusing their parents of being crappy role models. Or drug addicts that can't seem to pull themselves together to be a responsible parent. When someone says this I am inclined to call 'bullshit!' on them. Did you really do the best that you could? Are we all limited to what we think is our best? Or should we be aspiring to be better than who we thought we could? Wouldn't a better response be 'I'm sorry I disappointed you and I didn't always get it right but people make mistakes'. I definitely have my parenting failures and somehow it seems that I will spend my life regretting the times when I could have done better. I know that it was not 'my best' and I am trying to be ok with that. To be human is to err.

Hmm, just re-read this post and not sure it makes sense but will post anyway.

First Sprint Triathlon

Woke up at 5:30am. Shuffled around and ate a PB & J. Washed it down with a cup of tea and set off for the race. Arrived at the transition area feeling a little nauseous with nerves. Amazed at the sea of bikes and people walking around in tri suits. Grabbed my bag of stuff and my bike and set everything out in the order I would need it. Saw a friend who was there to watch. He took pictures of us and gave us some last minute tips. Felt very intimitated by the amount of people who seemed athletic and very relaxed. Walked down to get my number written on my arms and my age (!) on the back of my leg. Waited in a very long line to use the porta potty and grabbed my baby blue color cap and goggles.

Walked down to the start of the swim joking and laughing with a few people. Got into the lake with the rest of the third wave group and realized that although the water was warm it was loaded with sticks and seaweed. Treaded water for three minutes so I didn't have to touch the bottom. I confidently got out to the front of the group and stayed there for most of the swim. The water was so dark I couldn't see anything. Was completely thrown off at the concept of swimming blind. I took way too many breathes just so I could see where I was going. Staggered out onto the beach and was still rattled over my less than great swim. Barely remember making it to my stuff.

Pull on socks, shoes, shorts, shirt, sunglasses and a helmet. Start my bike with my breath still coming hard from panicking in the water. Ease into the bike and halfway through realize that I can do better. I am trying to save my energy for the run. Eat an energy gel pack that I decide is absolutely disgusting. Finish in what I think is a good time.

Trade my helmet in for a baseball cap and walk out of the transition area. My left foot is completely numb and I couldn't make it go fast if I tried. Start running as soon as I hear the beep of my chip timer. Have to stop and walk for a few seconds a couple of minutes in. I am dying but I start running again. The breath comes easier now but I can tell I am not running well but can't seem to pump it up. Start reading the back of peoples legs so I can see how old the people are that are passing me. Get to the half way point and realize I am not going to make my goal of a sub 30 minutes. Try to kick up the pace and I feel like I am. I am singing songs in my head, counting foot falls, anything to keep from stopping. I finally see the orange cones of the finish line. Me and the guy next to me decide to sprint it out. I am going full speed towards the finish. Cross the line. Made my overall time goal by two minutes. Success. On to the next.....

7 Things I Have Learned Training for a Triathlon

With a week left until my first sprint triathlon I look back on what I have learned over the past two months:

1. A 'brick' is not something you build a wall with, nor what you may see in the toilet after a day full of cheese and no fiber. A 'brick' is a workout that combines two of the triathlon sports. In my case, usually a bike ride and a run. It is spectacularly brutal in the midst of summer.

2. Working out like a dog four or five days a week will not make you skinny. It hasn't even lost me much in the way of inches but I could crush a walnut with my thigh muscles and run 3 miles after a 10 mile bike ride.

3. With number two in mind, triathletes are not always chiseled, young, and athletic. I recently watched a local triathlon and while there were definitely fine looking people there, half of the top twenty looked like your average person that goes to the gym a couple days a week.

4. I have the mental toughness of a can of dog food. My mind is definitely stronger than my body and keeps telling my muscles that 'you cannot do it'. I have to listen to music while I am running just to drown it out (that and the huffing and puffing).

5. Swimmers do not belong on land. Swimming for me feels strong and graceful even when I am gasping for air. Running makes me look and feel like a person that is going to throw up on the side of the road for lack of oxygen.

6. Carbs are my new best friend....again. I found myself feeling quite ill sometimes after my workouts and figured out that a granola bar and a gatorade before my brick workouts made me feel so much better (rather than the cheese stick I was having).

7. Peoples reactions when they find out I am doing a triathlon are interesting. They either seem to think I am crazy or are disappointed to find out that this is not the Ironman I am entering.

Summer Sucks

I have been composing this post in my mind while sweating like porky pig during my bike/runs outside. I have not written it until now because I thought for sure there was something wrong with me. Everyone loves summer, it's great, people are happy and tan and fit. Frosty drinks, bathing suits, and beautiful, green backyards are all I see on TV. Alas, I can't fight it anymore, summer is just wretched.
I am a winter/snow/cold loving person by nature. I thought that maybe now the kids are mobile that I would like the summer season more. Swimming! The beach! Exercising outside! Playing at the park! All kinds of activities that sound like a whole lot of fun when the driveway is buried under 18 inches of snow.

Reasons why I hate summer:

1. It is so frigging humid the 5 minute walk to my air conditioned car makes me sweat.

2. A side effect of reason number one is excessive laundry since I now have to change my underwear twice a day.

3. It might as well be snowing out for the amount of 'fresh air' that I get.

4. I have to display the varicose veins on my legs on a daily basis.

5. I am sick of the chlorine smell in my hair.

6. I am tired of the constant application of sunblock on myself and two children. Every day. All day. I am very pale. My skin is better suited to being a Viking than a South Jersey Guidette. Or perhaps a vampire....hmmm, then I could get with that hot vampire on True Blood, Eric. He was a Viking once too, we would have a lot in common.....wait, where was I?......

7. I have to shave my legs at least every two days (vs winter which is....well, hardly ever). Of course, if I decided to become a vampire and find that Eric I might shave them a lot more...but I digress....

8. Hot weather makes me really irritable. Which is different from the everyday crap that makes me irritable.

9. I really hate the beach. I have tried to like it over the years but frankly one day at the beach all summer is enough for me. The sand sucks, I never get to sit down, it's hot, and my thighs rub together like sandpaper. The amount of shit that I have to lug down to the sand is ridiculous considering the size of the two children that use it all.

10. Exercising outside is totally pointless because for every degree the temperature rises the slower I get until I may as well be standing still.

11. Yard work is hot, sweaty, full of disgusting bugs, and nothing ever seems to look better than when I started.

Seriously, I hate the summer.

Logic Update

So this Love and Logic experiment has turned into a weird mix of my do-what-comes-easier approach and the more strict approach that the book suggests. This is an overview of our successes and failures the past couple of weeks.....

Day 14 - Spends two hours crying and screaming about not wanting to wear underwear (with a dress!). Leah and I spend time outside playing waiting for her to come out, with periodic checks on her to make sure that no, she is not calm enough yet.

Day 16 - Complains, whines, and cries so much that Ryan leaves without her for a Phillies game. Unbelievable drama unfolds for the next half an hour but then surprising remorse is displayed.

Day 17 - Picks out a dress and shoes at a store that she insists she will wear. Wears the dress without issue but the shoes are 'too itchy'. I point out that if she does not wear the shoes at some point she will have to 'earn' back the money that I paid for them since they are not returnable. Morgan looks at me and then says 'ok, I will wear them later, just not today'. Still remains to be seen.

Day 18 - Got presented with so many choices that she was starting to look at me like I was crazy and indecisive.

Day 20 - Got dressed without issue for school, asked me nicely to braid her hair and packed her own lunch :-)

There were other small successes that I was proud of but my memory escapes me right now. Still plodding away....

Love and Logic....the First Saga

My four year old has been giving me attitude problems lately. Talking back, yelling, not listening...you get the idea, being a four year old. Unfortunately, I seem to be hard wired to get really pissed off at all this disrespect. I am like a bull with a red flag. My first instinct is to make her do what I want, when I say, and dammit don't question me!

I am aware that this method is ridiculous because I myself do whatever I damn please regardless of what I am told to do. I wouldn't expect anything less of my darling offspring either. So I decided to do what I always do when I am at a loss, find books on the subject and absorb all the information until my head is about to explode. Do you know how many parenting/discipline books there are? Do a search on Amazon and you will get back 1300 hits. How the hell do I read 1300 books?!

I saw a few recommendations online about this Love and Logic method so I perused the book in Barnes and Noble one day and it seemed to make sense. It also called for complete calmness by the parent at all times.....yeah, ok, that is not going to happen but I am willing to give it a shot.

This is highlights of the last two weeks since I have been implementing this method:

Day 1: Morgan spends two hours crying in and out of her bedroom because she doesn't want to get dresssed.
Day 3: She goes to the store in the car in just her underwear and a t-shirt because she did not get dressed by the appointed time
Day 6: She goes to karate in her pajamas because she was not dressed by the appointed time
Day 8: She throws a 30 minute fit because she did not want to take a bath and therefore missed her nightly viewing of Caillou
Day 9: She gets dressed all by herself for school, brushes her hair and teeth and tells me that she doesn't want to be late.....(what?)

I'll keep you posted on the rest.....now if only I can get Ryan to read this book, he is totally lost on what I am doing.

All worked up

I have had people accuse me of being 'laid back' which came as a shock to me when I first heard it in my twenties. I get so frustrated over so many stupid things that the very idea of being viewed as calm never occurred to me.

I am pretty sure that the only reason I come across as laid back is that I learned a long time ago that stress makes me a very ugly person. To combat this stress I just let a lot of stuff slide. Crumbs on the floor, dog hair, bitchy people, idiot drivers....I let it all go.

Who cares that some loser in Target gave me a dirty look because I accidentally said a curse word in front of their kid? They can bite me.
So what if the dog has severe gastrointestinal issues that means I have to get up and let her out at 4am? At least I am not the one with diarrhea so bad I can't sit down.
So what if I had to bail out 100's of gallons of water out of my basement last week? At least I got a good work out and a healthy respect for what mother nature can do. By the way, she can bite me also.

So you see, I am not lazy or naive, I just choose not to turn myself into a horrible person by agonizing over things that in the end really don't matter. I suppose it is up to the individual to decide what is worth stressing over. Do you like a spotless house? By all means, clean away because it would be stressful for you to live in disarray. Do you feel that your appearance needs to be just so? Take an hour to get ready because it would be stressful for you to leave the house under dressed.

For me, I suppose, I am only insistent on a few things: healthy food for me and my family, my skin care regimen, knowing where everything is and having my computers work exactly how I like them to. No, these things do not always happen.

Morgan for President

I came to the conclusion the other day that kids know everything. Even the younger ones are born knowing everything they could ever know. My years of experience have nothing on the instant wisdom in which every child claims to have. I thought it was just my four year old that was super knowledgeable but in talking to other parents I realize that this is a widespread phenomenon. This superiority would make Morgan a perfect candidate for President. She could fix the economy, health care, and budget issues all before she finishes her juice box.

Does anyone hear the sarcasm here?

Can anyone tell that I am sooooo tired of hearing 'I know' when I inform a child about watching out for that puddle that she almost stepped in?

Or 'That is not how you do it' when clearly Morgan's method of putting on lip gloss on her eyebrows is not working.

I also don't want to hear anything about how I like to do everything by myself and can clearly remember giving my own mother hell about how I do NOT want help because I am just fine.

Pay back is a bitch.

Wisdom Teeth Extraction Survival Kit

For some reason I like to make up 'Survival Kits' in my head. I wrote a post about a Newborn Survival Kit here and it seems to get quite a bit of Google traffic. I am betting it is from new mothers who are up at 4am with a screaming child, desperate for something they can buy that will fix everything. Of course, they come across my useless post which makes them even more desolate but I digress....
Today would be day five of getting all my wisdom teeth out and it occurs to me that other people may be wondering how to survive this pain in the ass surgery. So here is the little list of things that have been immensely helpful:

Image via Wikipedia

1. Pain killers. I cannot stress this enough, take the damn pills.
2. Soup. The Campbells Soup at Hand has been a life saver. I would avoid the broccoli one though because the little bits of veggies get stuck in your freshly split gums.
3. Ice cream and popsicles
4. Oatmeal
5. Yogurt
6. Applesauce
7. Milk
8. Baked beans
9. Mashed potatoes
   
10. Ice packs and warm packs for your face.
11. Child size toothbrush and spoons. It is ridiculous how little your jaw will open. I still can barely fit an adult size fork in my mouth.
12. Salt water. You swish with this after you eat anything.
13. A baby sitter. The pain is bearable if you are laying in bed but it is excruciating if you have to focus and think about the kids.
    
14. Don't watch any commercials on TV or read any food magazines. I am so hungry for real food it is actually painful to watch Rachael Ray.

I never realized how much I would miss eating salad until this week. I would kill for a good organic spring mix with cheese, tuna, chick peas, olives, veggies, and a good vinaigrette. The only two good things I can say about this experience is my excellent oral surgeon and the fact that I have lost two pounds in 5 days (I never lose weight!).

UPDATE: Two more things to mention....get this surgery done when you are young and heal quicker and don't get dry socket! Holy crap, my recovery from childbirth was better than the pain of dry socket. If you are unfortunate enough to get this, buy some clove oil (Eugenol) and go back to your dentist for a dressing that they tuck into the hole in your gums (Percocets didn't even make a dent). The pain was so bad I actually looked forward to going to the dentist and having him shove blissfully numbing gauze in a fresh wound.

The Great Screw Over

I will admit it here on my blog for the first time ever.

Cover via Amazon

I am obsessed with food.

It is not that I am a super health freak or something because I am most definitely not. I just love to read about nutrition and try to follow some of the things that I can incorporate into my life painlessly. One of the magazines that I love to read is my husbands Men's Health. They have a column (now also a book) called 'Eat This, Not That' which I am eternally grateful for because they expose all the hiding calories in many restaurants dishes. You would not believe the crap that restaurants will add to their food to make it 'tasty' or 'hearty'. I call it a waste of chemicals and fat.

I have to hand it to McDonalds, sure their menu is full of seriously fattening, unhealthy choices but at least they are up front about their nutrition information. I don't think anyone in this day and age has any delusions that a Big Mac and Fries are anything resembling healthy. When I eat there I am well aware of how many calories I am splurging on because I read the nutrion facts on the back of the tray cover as I am eating.

Recently, I read the '10 Worst Sandwiches in America'. Feel free to peruse the list and come back to finish reading this post. I'll wait.
10 Worst Sandwiches

Ok, let's start with #4. How the hell can a 'vegetarian' sandwich have 1100 calories in it? What is wrong with restaurants that they can ruin a perfectly nutrious sandwich that fools some poor slob on the Biggest Loser into thinking they are eating well.

#6 from Red Robin was a shame. I LOVE Red Robin. I have eaten that sandwich and loved it (granted it was huge so I only ate half, but still!)

#1 is a disgrace! Seriously, is there anyone that you can think of that needs a 2000 calorie sandwich? Unless you have been recently rescued from the brink of starvation in the middle of the Atlantic, you might want to skip this meal. Actually, you might want to skip it anyway, it didn't sound all that good.

Oh and if you want to know how many calories you chug down in your beer every night. Check this link out.
40 Top Beers

I am warning you though, it is definitely based on calories, not taste. Most of my favorites were in the 150-200 calorie range.

Why it sucks getting old....

I have two severely damaged thigh muscles due to a 30 minute Crunch Pilates DVD yesterday.

I am just now getting over a cough that turned into bronchitis 2 weeks ago. My one year old was nice enough to give me this ailment and she was cough/snot free in two days.

My wisdom teeth are coming in and making my entire face hurt. It took me two days to realize this was the problem because I thought it was a side effect of said previous cold.

I will have to get aforementioned wisdom teeth removed and I am not looking forward to the recovery time. Kids don't care that you feel like shit and therefore the no-mercy rules apply.

I have to pee more often than I really think I should

My husband complains more often than I really think he should. This would be a side effect of him getting older too.

I complain in my blog more often than I should.

Kids Love a Good Deal

What is it with kids and infomercials? I have never really paid much attention to these cheesy, 2 minute long ads except to make fun of all of them. You have the classics - Set and Forget It, Ginsu knives, OxiClean, Magic Bullet, and of course Tony Little and his Gazelle. However, I have noticed that there are a lot of infomercials on the channels that Morgan likes to watch. At first I thought that these commercials were for all the adults that may be watching with their kids. How wrong I was and how clever are the marketing geniuses behind it.
I have seen my four year old watch these commercials with eyes bright and mouth open. When the mere mention of a 'free gift with order' comes on she is positively foaming at the mouth. Bendaroos, Touch n Brush, Magic Soap, Big Top Cupcake and the Snuggie are just to name a few that I have been instructed to buy. Morgan actually came to me the other day and said 'Mommy, I can't find any of my clothes. I need Wonder Hangers'. Ok, first of all, she can't find any of her clothes because they are all on the floor and secondly, I am not buying these hangers so she can get the free stick up light that comes with it.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go make a giant cupcake with pudding in the middle.

Why Christmas was better when you were a kid....

I have come to the realization the past few years that Christmas is just not as much fun as it used to be. As usual, I have a list of reasons why Christmas as a kid is better than Christmas as an adult:

1. When I was a kid I wished for Santa to bring me a baby My Little Pony complete with baby toys and a play pen. As an adult I wish that Santa would bring me a giant play pen in which to put babies that misbehave.

2. I used to lay in bed wondering how Santa delivered all those toys in one night. Now I lay in bed wondering how the hell I am going to wrap all of 'Santa's' toys in one night.

3. As a kid everything is magical: The tree appears with all it's lights and decorations on, santa shaped cookies come out of the oven already made, nobody asks you what to buy for your brother, and best of all nobody asks you 'what are you cooking for Christmas dinner?'.

4. As a kid I would wake up each morning wishing for snow so I didn't have to go to school. As an adult I still wish for snow so that I won't have to go to work but I am torn because then the kids will be home and will insist that I spend an hour putting on their snow clothes for a 15 minute romp in a quarter inch of snow. Not to mention the scarf and hat I am going to have to dig out to put on the pathetic snow man in the front yard that won't last a day.

5. As a kid I loved nothing better than poring over the bright shiny pages of the toy catalog. Now I flip through the Toys R Us book and have nothing but derision for the cheap, plastic pieces of crap that I know I am going to have to buy.

6. As a kid I thought that Christmas decorations were beautiful. Bright shiny tinsel, twinkling lights, and pretty ribbons. As an adult I look at them and sometimes think 'I wonder if that tinsel is strong enough to tie a 15 month old to a chair?'

7. As a kid I used to eat chocolate for breakfast every christmas day. As an adult I still eat chocolate every christmas day :-)

The Five Worst Cartoons - In My Opinion

Having a three year old I have watched a lot of little kid cartoons and kids movies in the last couple of years. I have a love/hate relationship with them. I love them because it keeps my daughter entertained long enough to load the dishwasher and vacuum the floor. I hate them because some of them are the biggest pieces of crap I have seen since Luke ate an entire cheesecake. Here is my list of the five worst and the reasons why:

5. The Wonder Pets: The cartoon is not so bad in itself but if I find myself humming the theme song at work one more time I am going to kill myself. If you would like to torture yourself, you can listen to it here.

4. The Teletubbies: This show just freaks me out. The lack of real human words and the overly green scenery reminds me of War of the Worlds (the TV series back in the 80's). I can't watch it without expecting a big tripod to come over the hill and stomp on La La.

3. Wow Wow Wubzy: Annoying voices that sound like they have their noses pinched, stupid gadgets, and the most irritating songs....enough said.

2. Lazytown: This almost made number one due to the sheer horrifying combination of humans wearing rubber faces, grown men in spandex, and plastic puppets (view a really bad song from the show here). What the hell was the creator thinking when he wrote this show? Hey, lets get a muscled Swedish guy, put him in blue spandex and have him do splits to music! And you know what would make it better? Have a villain in a blue striped, spandex tux (I swear to god) and a little girl in a bright pink hooker wig! If I wasn't a responsible adult I would be camped out in front of this show with a joint and a box of donuts because you would have to be high to watch it.

1. Caillou: I grind my teeth whenever this show comes on. I let Morgan watch it occasionally because she enjoys it. A lot of people are probably reading this (ok, four people) and thinking 'That cute little boy? How can this cartoon be bad?'. This is the whiniest kid on television. He does things like stamp his feet, complain, and make his little sister cry and all his parents say is 'Oh Caillou, that is not a nice thing to do...'. What? If this was anything close to real life that kid would be in a perpetual time out and be forbidden to speak until he could do so without whining. And why does he not have any hair? Did I miss the show about a terrible genetic defect that prevents his hair from growing? His parents have hair, his sister has hair, all his friends have hair. It is a mystery.... Also, why did the shows creators make the edges of the screen blur? I feel like the whole cartoon is in a flash back.

Obviously, I spend too much time thinking about annoying kids shows.